Thoughts in Solitary
by slickchick84
Summary: Post Season 1 Finale. Piper thinks about blame and where to put it. Thinks about Alex and Larry. Thinks about how maybe she's kind of a dick. Vauseman pairing.
1. Chapter 1

**This is a one-shot for now, but I'll probably add another chapter at a later date from Alex's point of view as well. So, don't you all just love this freaking show?! Sadly, I don't own it.**

She gets a day in hospital, six weeks in SHU and another eighteen months on her sentence for beating the ever loving shit out of Pennsatucky.

Healy is a crying, guilty mess when they confront him with the surveillance footage and that alone saves her from getting sent down the road to maximum, seeing as she went a little bit past the point of simply defending herself. Pennsatucky's face resembling a piece of tenderized meat was proof of that. She doesn't regret doing it, defending herself, but she does regret going too far. Whether it's because she hurt someone badly enough that they needed reconstructive surgery or because of what it means to her sentence is something she spends a lot of time thinking about in SHU. Somewhere around the three week mark she decided that, fuck it, she can feel bad because of both those reasons. She's never going to be _not_ selfish, but she's not a completely heartless bitch either and she's okay with that. Fuck the haters, as Tastey would say.

What she doesn't try to think about in the first few weeks, but fails at completely, is Larry and Alex. Because fuck them both. Alex lied and Larry's a dick and because of them she was angry and hurt and Pennsatucky was just _there_. If they hadn't wrecked her life, her stupid _heart_, then maybe the psycho Bible thumper wouldn't have needed new teeth and a nose job. Or twenty seven stitches in her face.

By week four she spends a day sobbing when she can't tell herself that lie anymore and does the most un-Piper like thing ever and accepts that she might have done the wrecking all by herself, faces the fact that it doesn't mean anything that she admits her mistakes if she keeps making the same ones over and over again. She couldn't keep blaming everyone else for her fuck-ups. She told her mother that being in prison was her own fault and no one else's. She'd taken responsibility for her actions and she'd felt better for doing it, but there she was again, pointlessly blaming someone else for her mistakes.

It wasn't Alex or Larry that hurt Pennsatucky. It wasn't Larry that had an affair. It wasn't Alex that kept hurting her and chose someone else. She made those choices all by herself and they were wrong. She didn't know how to reconcile that for herself; that being with Alex had been wrong, but leaving her was just as much of a mistake. She didn't know how to make that right, didn't know who she should try to make it right with. Weeks five and six were spent mostly thinking about that. That and masturbating.

The masturbating actually helped clear a lot of things up for her, because it was Alex's lips and hands and eyes and tattoos that featured most prominently in her fantasies. At first she thought that it proved that Larry was who she truly loved, that what she felt for Alex was base and shallow and doomed to fizzle out like most great passions do. Except that when she tried to think of Larry, of what she loved about him, she found that most of the things he gave her were generic and safe. He gave her comfort, security, but she could replace him with ten other people and they'd offer her those same things. It wasn't so much Larry that she loved as the surety of her future he provided for her. Larry represented kids and a nice house, a steady income one day when his writing took off and acceptance in her mother's eyes. Larry was the _binky_.

Alex was what scared her, why she needed the binky and the boy and the nice, settled future. She was never supposed to want the things that Alex offered, was never supposed to feel the way she did about a woman who didn't conform to anything in life, ever, not the way that Piper herself was brought up to do. Alex was beautiful, passionate, ruthless, a liar and a drug dealer and the only reason Piper left her to begin with was because of the fact that she didn't care about the drugs or the danger as long as she could be with Alex, but she felt Alex didn't even see her as more important that those things and it terrified her.

Polly once said that Piper purposefully looked for partners that would drive her crazy, that she had chemistry with but no future, and Piper said she wanted both. It was the truth, that's why there was a plethora of boys and girls that drove her crazy, but they never really lived up to what she had with Alex or gave the comfort she craved, so then she tried the opposite of crazy and chemical. She tried Larry. She settled for normal and predictable when she couldn't find crazy comfort.

Prison showed her that she could have that with Alex though, because Alex held her hand after she'd had a bad day and made her the little spoon, but she also fucked her in the shower until she saw stars. Alex was passion and comfort all wrapped up in a crazy hot package and Piper couldn't hide behind excuses anymore. Sure, Alex had lied, but Piper had strung her along and unconsciously rubbed Larry in her face even while they were falling in love all over again.

Piper was the dick.

Her last morning in SHU they let her shower and change into a new, clean prison uniform before they had her wait at a door for Morello to pick her up. She felt clean for the first time in a very long time, longer than the six weeks she spent in SHU or the months before when she started her sentence, and it didn't have anything to do with the shower or the clean clothes.

Piper Chapman was a changed woman. Through sheer force of will, she would not let herself be who she was before she entered solitary. She would never be perfect, she would never not put herself entirely first, but she would face those things about herself that scared her and try to make it better. Other people mattered; her actions mattered, because they didn't just affect her, but the people around her as well. She was going to apologize and accept that it wouldn't mean that she got what she wanted because of it. She would not have Alex, even if now she finally knew she wanted her above anyone else, because having her was not what Alex wanted anymore. That was on her, not Alex, and she couldn't blame her for it. Just respect her decision.

When Morello opened the door of the van for her five minutes later and looked her over, saying with a half-smile on her face, "You look different, Chapman.", Piper just agreed with a nod and got in.

**There we have it for now, hope you liked it. Feel free to flame or praise, I don't mind either way;)**


	2. Part 2

**Thanks very much for the encouragement to continue this! It was greatly appreciated. Quick warning about this chapter though; I'm not as comfortable writing Alex as I am Piper, so if it seems less coherent and a little choppy, that's why. I've also realized I'll have to give Alex another chapter after this one before the last one for Piper, because I didn't write half of what I wanted to for her. Anyway, end of longest Author's Note ever!**

When the alarm goes off, she's got her face firmly buried between Nicky's thighs.

They slipped into the bathroom just before the Christmas show ended, knowing it would be deserted while everyone was in the chapel, and she's trying her hardest not to think about the look on Piper's face when she found them earlier, but it's not working. So when the alarm blares loudly and Nicky shoves her away, she's actually relieved.

"Jesus Christ, it's like they knew I was in the middle of getting good head." Nicky's already pulling her pants up as she says it though and Alex wonders for a moment if her perceptive friend picked up on the fact that her attention had been drifting the whole time.

"Well I don't know about you, but I'm not lying face down on this shitty, germ infested floor. Hallway sound good to you?" She doesn't wait for Nicky to reply though, just gets the hell out of the bathroom as quickly as she can to try and avoid looking her in the eye.

Nichols has a way of cutting through Alex's bullshit like only her mother ever could and she doesn't want to deal with that, because sex aside, Nicky is her best friend in prison and she doesn't want to hurt her feelings with her obvious relief. So she walks as quickly as she can to the far side of the hallway and lies down, chin on her hands. Nicky joins her seconds later and they watch as guards go out of the side door across from the chapel, faces grim and talking quickly into their radios. Later she'll remember that the alarm was still loudly ringing and that the floor was cold, but surprisingly clean underneath her hands, when the door flew open and she saw Piper.

Bennet had her by the upper arms, practically holding her up, while he shuffled her through the door. There was blood on her jacket and face, tears quietly making pinkish tracks down her cheeks through the spatter, and when two other guards came over and not so gently shoved her to the floor to cuff her, she was still so very quiet. Alex felt every muscle in her body practically spasm with the need to move, to protect, but Nichols was on top of her before the thought to get up could even properly form in Alex's mind. She struggled on instinct, her lungs constricting with panic and fear, but seconds later she froze and forgot to breathe.

Piper was face down, cheek pressed harshly to the floor, and looking right at her. Alex could see the blue of her eyes, hypnotically bright as always, but she couldn't find _Piper_ anywhere in that look. It was vacant, unseeing and it scared her more than most anything in her life ever had.

"Just breathe, she's okay, she's fine, I don't think it's her blood. Breathe." Nicky's voice came from far away, obscured by the sound of her own blood rushing in her ears and the incessant alarm.

Then that too stopped, abruptly, and time seemed to speed up as suddenly Piper was up and gone, surrounded by uniformed guards, and inmates were unceremoniously commanded to their beds. It felt like she'd gone from that floor and Piper's eyes to her bed in the space of just a single heartbeat.

"_Jesus_."

* * *

Sleep wouldn't come. She'd kept thinking about Piper's face, about the blood on her hands and clothes. Remembered how Piper looked when she fell asleep on a beach in Thailand, book still clasped in her hand as wind gently brushed her hair across her cheek, beautiful and peaceful. She'd woken her up, made her slather on sunblock like her life depended on it, and after Piper had stopped laughing at her for it they'd spent the rest of the day reading and swimming and drinking. She'd always looked after Piper in her own way, despite the lifestyle and the drugs. Yes, she'd sent Piper on a run with drug money, but Alex had controlled that. Had planned it and dressed her up, protected Piper as best she could. Even in prison, even after years of pretending that Piper Chapman didn't exist, didn't break her heart, she'd felt that instinctive need to protect her. To feed her when they starved her out, to shut Doggett up when she kept spitting her poison about Piper when she wasn't even there to get upset about it.

So watching Piper lie on the ground with guards on top of her and completely helpless to do anything about it had put the fear of a God she wasn't sure existed in her. She almost hated how much she was incapable of not caring about Piper. How even after Piper had made her choice, after all the shitty things they'd done to each other, she would always love her against her better judgment. Piper wasn't so far off when she said that it had always felt inevitable.

When morning came, her eyes burning from lack of sleep and her stomach a mess of burning acid, she at least got some answers. Doggett wasn't in her bed, a good indication of what had probably happened, and during breakfast Tastey filled them all in. About the shower and the dead rat, the threats and even, to her credit, about the shitty advice they gave her about it all.

"Shit, if I'da known white girl was gonna go all Hulk on her ass, I wouldn't have said anything." Janae nodded her head. "Yeah, who'da guessed T Swift had it in her? I heard me some stories from that fat fuck, O'Neil, saying that the Jesus freak's face looked like some of his mamma's mashed potatoes when she was done with her."

Alex curled her fingers into her palm and tried to breathe through her panic, her mind already trying to calculate in just how much shit exactly Piper had just gotten herself into.

"Stop calling her Taylor Swift, it's fucking insulting alright?" She didn't mean to say it, didn't mean to bitch at someone who was obviously on Piper's side, but she hadn't been there the night before to protect her from Pensatucky and this made her feel better, as shitty as that was.

"Aight, calm yo tits, I was just saying." Tastey and Janae both gave her some serious side-eye, but she was past the point of caring.

Doggett having it in for Piper was as much her fault as it was Piper's, more so even since she'd started that fucking healing prank. It didn't help that she'd fucked things with Larry for Piper, even if she'd said to herself that she wasn't lying to him, just telling him some truths about Piper that he already knew and was just too chicken shit to admit to himself. She was a spiteful bitch, life didn't give her much choice in the matter, but she honestly hated that part of herself in that moment.

Piper had left her, abandoned and hurt her, in the moment she'd needed her the most and despite knowing _exactly_ how terrible that had felt, she'd done exactly the same thing to Piper. They really were the shittiest people to each other.

* * *

The first few days after it happens, she avoids Nicky as best she can. She doesn't even mean to do it, but she's running on autopilot as more stories surface about what went on between Piper and Pensatucky, and she just can't handle any more drama.

She knows they didn't exactly profess their undying love for each other or anything, but she's not stupid. Nicky fucked her with intent. There was an unspoken agreement that there was something between them now; a relationship or at the very least an understanding. She knows she owes Nichols a conversation at the very least and definitely an apology, but she's too busy hitting her current rock bottom to give a damn.

She's seriously thinking about getting herself thrown into SHU to be closer to Piper, just on the off chance that she can hear her voice and know she's alright, when Red corners her in the bathroom.

"You love the girl, no?" She doesn't wait for Alex to answer, to tell her it's none of her business, just sighs and lays a hand on her shoulder. "So don't be stupid. Don't do any of the stupid things you think you should do. I have been here a long time, I know. It's hard, but stupid doesn't help make things easier. The blonde one? She can take care of herself when it really matter. So make sure you are here when she get out. Making trouble for yourself won't make it better for her."

Red squeezes her shoulder once and walks away, turns when she's at the door and sighs again. "Talk to Nicky. In here friends are not easy thing to find. Do not be stupid about that as well."

Then she's gone and Alex does what she's been trying not to do since she locked eyes with Piper on that floor; she cries. She holds her knees and hides in the shower stall farthest from the door, bites her lip to keep from sobbing. She doesn't know how long she's there, but she's alone one second and the next there's an arm around her shoulder and comforting warmth against her side.

"Don't you wish you'd planned that escape with me now, Vause? We could have been somewhere in Mexico now, drinking our body weight in cheap tequila, not sitting like a pair of sad ball sacks crying about girls who don't want us." Nicky kisses her on the head and sighs. "Straight girls, man."

Alex just cries harder.

"Aw, come on, don't do that. I get it, okay? If that was Morello my ass would probably be in SHU already, we both know that. Hell, _she_ probably knows that too and isn't that just the most pathetic thing ever?" Nicky shakes her head and Alex can't help smiling a little.

"How'd you find me? And how'd you know? Is Red psychic now as well?" Nicky snorts at the question and shrugs. "Beats me, she just knows these things. Maybe it's those dreams she keeps banging on about, like with the chicken and the little red hat and all. I don't really ask 'cos it just encourages her and I can only deal with so much crazy at a time, you know?"

Alex does know and appreciates that Nicky's still here despite that, because she's a mess and has been for a long time, long before prison or Piper even.

"You're a good friend, Nichols. Better than I deserve I think."

Nicky nods. "Damn straight."

_So yeah, flame or praise as you see fit, I can take it!_

_Also on a side note, I'm looking for short prompts. First kiss? First dance? First meeting in AU settings? Future fic? Nothing that can't be covered in 750 to 1000 words. I have some off time and thought that might be fun._


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